*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
😍😂🥰😂😍
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.