PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you