pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
peak technology
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I know a bad idea when I see one.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
are they though??
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast