Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Was it something I said?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?