What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
![]()
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
![]()
Modded the new Gran Turismo
![]()
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I highly recommend telling your boss/manager you have ADHD or autism. They will understand completely and won’t immediately take on a tone that you use for a dog that’s known to bite people