What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
this will hang in the louvre one day
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ