“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.