I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?