ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Every damn time
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away