Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Holy crap this is wonderful
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
What
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.