i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Very good! 👍😂
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
this is the news I live for
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!