Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive