“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”