A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
guys i’ve cracked the code
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee