Green is just blue that someone peed in
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”