If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.