“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
i now pronounce you bounced.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it