Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
You Might Also Like
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Solving a traffic jam
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that