My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
😂😂😂
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.