Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
You Might Also Like
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”