Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You Might Also Like
finally
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Seems legit
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.