I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.