I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?