I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You Might Also Like
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Meowchelangelo
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”