i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?