Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids