Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
![]()
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
no one ever comes back
![]()
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
🤣
![]()