tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
road rage
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches