road rage
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Essential oils? You mean WD40?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.