i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I just love that new Pope smell.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Where is your GOD now????
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.