Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Well, that didn’t work.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
#NeverForget
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My time has come.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.