Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.