Chicago sounds lovely.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
an octopus is just a wet spider
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*