[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Oh hi lol
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.