No, I don’t think I will.
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
When you can’t find your friend Neil
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.