What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?