“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.