I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
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Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon