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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My wife gives the best headache.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on