my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.