Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?