Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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This classic never gets old . . .
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.