Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
How does one answer this?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead