me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Duolingo getting serious.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
This a good idea
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
bout dat hot dog summer
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.