My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“No way.” -Jose
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Well, that should do it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.