I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*