this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS