Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.