7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I hope this email finds you in a well
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie