COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.