They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back