Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Dune (2021)
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.