Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.